You have an appointment and your kids are aware that it will soon be time to leave the house. As your estimated time of departure approaches, your son becomes engrossed in a project and your daughter refuses to put on her clothes. Before you know it you are racing around in a frenzy, watching the minutes tick away. By the time you have threatened, begged and cajoled your kids into the car you are stressed out and exhausted.
Sound familiar? This is an example of a power struggle and every parent of young children has been there. Kids want to feel a sense of power and our job is to help them use their power in constructive ways instead of trying to take it away from them. When we engage in power struggles, everyone loses. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in. Create a win/win environment.
Try the following Positive Discipline tools to avoid power struggles and gain your children's cooperation:
- Help your child create a morning routine chart that includes pictures of him/her doing each task. Let the routine chart be the boss. If you say anything, it might be “what is next on your routine chart?”
- Appeal to your child's desire to help. You might say “I really need your help this morning. What to you need to do to get ready?” or “I can't make you but I really need your help.”
- Instead of telling her to brush her teeth, ask “what do you need to do so your teeth don't feel fuzzy?” Asking instead of telling invites children to think and feel capable because it seems like their choice, not your command.
- One way to diffuse a power struggle is to recognize what you are doing and stop. Name it. "Wow, it looks like we are in a power struggle and I can see what I'm doing to create it."
- Validate her feelings. "I'll bet it makes you mad when I boss you around. Can we start over and find a solution that is respectful to both of us?"
- Give limited choices: “you can get dressed here or at the doctor's office (or school etc.).” Then respect your child's choice. Only give choices you can live with.
- Put the problem on the family meeting agenda and let the kids brainstorm a solution. Are you having family meetings? YOU SHOULD BE!! Check out your Positive Discipline book for the protocol.
- Make a "Wheel of Choice" together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to the problem. Draw illustrations for each solution. During the rush to get out of the house, invite child to pick something from the wheel.
- Create a game: Beat the clock or sing songs while getting ready to leave the house.
- Use non-verbal signs. Stop talking so much...your kids just tune you out. Have fun coming up with some non-verbal ways to let your kids know what they need to be doing to get out the door. For example, use flight attendant signals and point at the door in a sweeping motion.
- Decide what YOU will do, not what you will try to make them do. Stop talking (nagging) and get yourself ready. Try to be ready early (tee hee) so you can sit by the door with a magazine or book and calmly wait for them to join you. If you're flying around the house like a maniac they will pick up on the tension and will be more likely to resist the process. Let them know in advance that if they are not dressed, their teeth aren't brushed, they haven't eaten etc., then they can finish those activities in the car or when you get to your destination. Then FOLLOW THROUGH.
- A main theme of PD is “connection before correction.” Try giving your kids a hug. This is not a “rewarding” behavior, it is creating a connection before respectful correction.
No parenting tool works all the time so it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with many different options. The Positive Discipline approach is designed for the long term and requires consistency, flexibility and patience. Your kids are worth it. Remember that mistakes are opportunities to learn, so if you screw up this parenting thing 20 times a day, you will learn 20 new things!
